15 December 2011

a thing

a scene overheard while recovering from tooth surgery

there is a man speaking loudly to someone or himself

it is 3:00 AM

i am on tylenol 3 and penicillin trying to sleep

he says fuck every second word

he is angry

he is in his backyard

i hear him though my open window

i imagine him as having an average to below average level of attractiveness

i imagine him as having an average to below average level of intelligence

he says she doesn't fucking know fucking anything.

he says if she wants to fucking leave, she should fucking get on with it

i assume he is talking on the phone

i assume he is talking about his girlfriend or wife

i feel guilty for listening in on such an intimate moment

i feel annoyed that he is being too loud to ignore

i am trying to sleep

i concentrate really hard on sleeping

he fucking loves her and she doesn't see it

he'd do fucking anything for this girl

he fucking loves her so much fuck

i think about him and his love for this girl

he seems to feel something i've never felt and can't imagine feeling

i both admire and pity him

his voice cracks as he finishes his next sentence with his favorite word


he is openly sobbing now

it seems unnecessary, unseemly

to become so upset over someone who doesn't love him back

i don't know what i'm going to fucking do without her. i'm fucking nothing without her

he says between sobs

it seems irrational

to let you identity be defined so strongly by someone else as to loose meaning after they are gone

he stops sobbing. he screams. it scares me.

i've never heard anyone scream out of sadness before

it sounds painful, strained

like his emotions are so intense his body can't process them, and so they come out in inappropriate ways. i half expect him to start laughing

he is talking quieter now. he has calmed down

it is nearly 4:00 AM

i am tired

i am embarrassed about what i just overheard

i feel sorry for the man

i feel curious as to what it would be like to feel what he feels

that intense, dramatic love that caused this late night scene

i am jealous of a foul mouthed man sobbing openly in his backyard

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